Sunday, November 22, 2009
I was just too depressed to be much online. I want to die. Sometimes I want to kill myself, but I won't do it, I cannot do it. I don't want to ruin the life of the rest of my family.
School is killing me too. It's way too much to do, and I'm stressed all the time. I even started crying just because it is raining, and I don't want to walk to school in the rain tomorrow. I'm so tired of all this.
I haven't even written down everything I've eaten for over a week. I will start again tomorrow, though.
I'm still 44 kg (97 lbs). I'm still fat and ugly. It's not too hard to keep my intake at about 500 calories right now. So even though I've been depressed lately, I haven't binged, and I haven't eaten awful lot of calories.
Stay strong <3
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I'm going to celebrate my birthday next weekend (with family), and my mum is going to bake a chocolate cake and we're also going to have a marzipan cake. And probably some other unhealthy things such as ice cream, chocolate and chips. Why?
I'm going to celebrate my birthday at least three times (different parts of family, and with friends) so I'm probably going to eat a lot af cake. I wish I was strong enough to resist, but I have to eat some anyway because it's my birthday.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Four years ago I could eat whatever I wanted without feeling bad about it. I don't know how I did it. I didn't like my body, but I didn't hate it as much as I do now. During 10th grade (which is the last yeas of compulsory school in Norway, and the third and last at middle school) I started to eat less at school, but I still ate about two slices of bread and a fruit for lunch.
I've gradually eaten less these past years, but I've had periods where I eat normal. I didn't even care to count calories until the end of my 11th year at school (first year at high school), but then I allowed myself to eat 2000 calories at the weekends, and about 1800 the rest of the week. I didn't care to count every day, but I made sure that I didn't eat too unhealthy. It wasn't until about a year ago that I really started to care about my calorie intake. I didn't really have any restrictions, but I tried not to eat more that 1300 calories. I failed every weekend, but I got better. I just couldn't stand being fat any more.
And here I am, still fat, but not giving up. My day is totally ruined if I eat 700 calories or more. I can start to cry when I look at myself in the mirror, but I feel stronger than a lot of my friends.
Am I thinner now than four years ago? Yes, my bones are more visible, but I think I've got bigger hips. I'm also 3-4 cm taller.
So I would say that my ED has sneaked into my life. It wasn't a sudden change, but one day I realised that my relationship with my body and food isn't what most people would call "normal". And it will probably never be. I'm fine with that most of the time. I don't hate my ED, I like it. But there are times when I wish I was "normal", because it is rather exhausting from time to time. Especially around Christmas. I'm not looking forward to Christmas and all the fatty food. I can't even escape to friends, because I have to spend some "quality time" with my family. Not every day, of course, but there are always several family dinners.
I don't know why I wrote this, I guess I just wanted to share my life story.
Stay strong <3
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The Muse concert was fantastic!
I ate way to much yesterday. I don't even know how many calories, but I think it was about 900. Crap. Well, this day has been a lot better. I ate a small crisp bread for breakfast, and two cherry tomatoes. I had oatmeal porridge for lunch, and a clementine between lunch and dinner. I ate a chicken and some vegetables for dinner. That's about 450 calories.
I broke a nail two hours ago :( I kind of like my nails, and they are usually one of the very few parts of myself that I don't hate.
It looks horrible, and it's going to take weeks for it to grow out again. It is so weird to touch things now, because my fingertip (parts of it at least) is usually protected by my nail. My finger looks short and fat now. I didn't remove my old nail polish, so that's why my nail has two colours in the picture.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A friend of mine told me I'm bony. I'm not, but it was nice of her to tell me so.
My friends are still talking about my anorexic friend. I have to eat at school, or they will suspect that I'm anorexic too.
I've bought a nice big and warm jacket so that I won't freeze this winter. I've bought warm shoes too.
I'm looking forward to the Muse concert this Sunday!
I weighted about 44 kg (97 lbs) this morning, but I will probably gain some weight again. I wish it was easier to lose, I've been stuck at 45 (99.2) for a long time. Whenever I lose some, I always gain it back the next days.
I want to post some pictures of myself, but I'm afraid that somebody will find them (yeah, not very likely, I know).
I hate the fat on my hips and my tummy.
I'm sorry that this post is boring, but I didn't know what to write.
Stay strong <3
Saturday, October 17, 2009
And I don't understand how I can be this fat, even though I weigh 45kg. I know people who weigh much more than me, but they are still much thinner. My BMI (17.4) puts me in the category "underweight", but hello, I'm nothing near thin.
I love this song, but at the same time it makes me depressed. But it's still beautiful.
I'm a bit depressed now, so I think I should go to bed. I cannot eat anything more, so my bed is the only safe place. Maybe I could get some sleep tonight, I haven't slept much the last week, and I'm soo tired right now. I have a feeling that I would start to cry as soon as I go to bed, though. Aw, but I probably feel a lot better tomorrow :)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I keep track of everything I eat in excel, so now I can go back and see what I ate 20 weeks ago. Wow, some days have been really terrible, haha. I think it's a great way to control your intake, because you get so very attentive to what you eat, and I want my weeks to look good. You should try if you don't do something similar :)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The weekend wasn't too bad either. My sister ate way more than me, I only had a very small piece of cake to show people that I'm perfectly normal. It's nothing wrong with not wanting to eat big amounds of unhealthy food, but some people seems to think so.
My friends talked about this friend of mine who might be anorectic, and they all thought it was so wierd that she only eats superhealthy food. They however, eat unhealthy food every day. Well, they still think I'm normal, I think... I hope so. It's always awkward when they talk about her eating habits, and I've had to lie to them about what I eat. They don't need to know that i eat "too little".
Love you all <3
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I think that a friend of mine has an ED, because I haven't seen her eating at school for a very long time (and she used to eat at school before). I know she's jogging several times a week, and that she only eat healthy food. She's pretty thin too. It was two other friends of mine who made me think of it. Well, it seems like they don't think that I've got an ED, and that's perfect! I hate it when we start to talk about eating and stuff, because I have to be so very careful to not reveal anything.
I have to go to a family birthday this weekend. Cake, ice cream, much food and snacks is always a part of those family birthdays. My goal is to eat less than my sister (she's thin!), and keep it to an absolute minimum.
Yay, I feel very motivated to lose weight right now.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
My knee is better, I can walk a little now (without crutches), but I'm not allowed to e.g. walk around at a shopping center for hours. I cannot walk to school either, even though it only (normally) takes me 15 minutes. Well, I'm at least getting better! And this injury is the perfect excuse for not drinking! Don't misunderstand me, I actually really like drinking and getting drunk, but it's way too many calories in alcohol, and as I have to be very careful when I walk so I cannot drink. This is a perfect excuse not to go to the parties I don't want to, too. Yay. I bought a new dress, and it's really lovely, but it's a tight fit so I it would be nice to loose some fat before I use it.
I really look like a fat cow now. I feel soo fat! I need to be skinny, I need to feel better. I don't deserve to eat. I want to be really skinny to my 18th birthday in the end of November. That's my goal right now. And after that is Christmas... I don't like Christmas. It's way too stressful, the food is fatty, there are sweets everywhere, and I have to eat dinner with my family all the time. I love that I'm always so optimistic *irony*.
Anonymous: Sorry for at jeg svarer så sent ^^; Så kult! Har du ståplass? Jeg har ikke det dessverre, men det er tross alt bedre å se dem live enn å gå glipp av det! Ja, den nye CDen eier. Du har også et problematisk forhold til mat (antar det siden du er her)? Du må gjerne sende med mail hvis du har behov for å snakke (tynnhet æt hotmail dot com), det hadde vært hyggelig med en norsk å snakke med (lag gjerne en anonym adresse ^^). :)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I'm going to physiotherapy tomorrow, so I will probably get some more information then. Oh, and I found out that the way my knees are "designed" makes this happend easier. Hurray!
This injury is making me soo depressed. Last night I cried for like two hours before I could sleep. I'm so afraid that my knee won't be completely healed, and I know I've put on weight, I missed a consert because of it (and this was the band's last concert for at least two years), and I will maybe have to bring crutches to Spain.
Sorry, I'm whining too much.
I got Muse's new album (The Resistance) yesterday. I love it, but my favorite is still Origin of Symmetry. I'm going to see Muse in October and I'm really looking forward to it!
I know I was going to write more, but I completely forgot what it was about :P
Anas' Girl: Thanks, yeah, I tried to use that excuse as often as I could
heebeejebus!: Yeah, you're right. My first priority right now is to get better!
Olivia*Obsessed: That sounds horrible! I'm very glad I don't need a surgery, and that I'm able to take a shower myself (but it is difficult!). Thanks, I'm doing my best to get well.
Stick Thin: :O It sound painful. I would feel totally lost if that happened to me. Yeah, I'll have to wait with activities like dancing, running, walking in rugged terrain (?) until my knee is fully healed. The doctor told me to wait at lest six weeks.
morg-ana: I hope I won't :) I felt so sorry for myself the first days, so I ate a lot then, but now I try to eat little and healty.
Sottile: Wow, that must have been terrible! I wish I would get a big gap between my legs!
Le faim: Yeah :(
Saturday, September 5, 2009
So yesterday I spend 4 hours at the emergency department. They took some x-rays, and a (very hot) doctor bended my knee and examined it, and asked me a lot of questiones. And then another (even hotter) doctor examined me some more. I have to use forearm crutches for at lest 9 days now, and I will have to train my knee with physiotherapy for weeks. And I have to use a knee orthosis to hold my kneecap in place for 6-8 weeks or something. FUCK. My mom has to make food for me (because I can't carry anything) so I have to eat. And I have to eat because I can't take painkillers on an empty stomach. I don't get any exercise either. Aw, I'm going to put on weight :( I will at least get more muscles in my arms, from using the crutches . I'm going to take a MRI on wednesday, to see if the cartilage is damaged.
I can happen to me again, and if it does, I may need surgery.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
You requested the recipe for the muffins, so I'll try to transelate it (from Norwegian):
6 big muffins (I got 14 small)
- 150 g bananas (very ripe bananas are sweeter, so you should use them)
- 1 egg
- 120 ml skimmed milk/fat-free milk
- 50 g wheat flour (I used whole-wheat flour)
- 150 g whole-grain flour (I used whole-grain rye flour, but I guess you can use whatever you want)
- 50 g rolled oats
- 1/2 tbsp baking powder
- 80 g frozen blueberries
* Mash the bananas. Mix in egg and milk.
* Add flour, oats and baking powder.
* Carefully stir in the blueberries
* Pour the mixture into 6 big (greased) muffin forms or use muffin paper cups
* Bake at 180 °C ( 365 °F) for about 30 minutes.
I got 14 small muffins (about 65 calories each), so I baked them for about 20 minutes. And If you want sweet muffins, you should add some sweetner, because they didn't get very sweet, (but I liked them).
Mine turned out like this:
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Breakfast: A glass of orangejuice, two cherry tomatoes (about 80 cal)
Lunsh: An apple (about 50 cal)
After school: A small grape fruit ( 80 cal) and a cup og ice coffe (30 cal)
And we'll have chicken filet and salad for dinner, so I think this will be a pretty good day.
I've been thinking about making muffins the last days. Muffins without sugar and fat. I've found a recipe with bananas, blueberries, an egg, skimmed milk and whole-grain flour. It will be about 12 small muffins with 80 calories each, and when I really want something unhealty, I can eat one of them instead (I'll keep them in the freezer). Maybe I'll make some for my grandma as well, she has diabetes (type 2), and she forgets to eat all the time (she has dementia too), so maybe she would eat them as they are more tempting than bread.
And, you should all check out Sottile! She is new here. She is a vet-student, and seems to be very determined to loose weight :)
Oh, and I nearly forgot to say that people have been trying to make me go to this party tonight, and I really wanted to go, but I couldn't. It's too many calories in alcohol. I know I would end up drinking. They kept asking me why I couldn't come and told me they would love to have me there, but I resisted (told them I had to do homework)! Yes!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
And school is already killing me. I have so much homework.
I've thought about blogging for a week now, but I didn't want to blog when I failed every day :( Well, as you can see, I blogged today anyway.
Something positive: I bought a new pair of jeans a few days ago, and they are in size XXS! Omg! They are quite tight, but I can close them (maybe not when I have eaten a lot). I guess the only reason they fit is because they are very stretchy, but it feels so good to know you can fit in a pair of jeans in size XXS. The sizes varies so much from shop to shop, I bought another pair of jeans too (in another shop) and they are in size S (I could have bought XS, but they vere so tight that they looked like tights, lol).
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Well, I took it as a compliment, but I could not tell him.
And later, when we were eating lunch, he was like "OMG, are you only going to eat two crispbreads?!". I kind of felt successful. But I ate more than I should today...
I've eaten three crispbreads today (with cheese), taco, a banana and a yoghurt. It's about 700 calories. I should have done better (I love taco, lol), but I'll just have to try harder tomorrow. I think I can stay pretty low cal.
I'm sorry I haven't commented much these last days (I have read your blogs), I'll try to comment more ;)
Monday, August 17, 2009
School started again today, and I'm afraid I won't be able to blog every day. This is my last year at school, so I really have to do my best. I hate school right now, and I haven't even really started yet. My new schedule sucks, too!
I haven't been doing so great the last days. But, at least I haven't gained any weight. But I really need my "super control" back. I'm probably going to a party on saturday, and I want to get drunk, but there are so many calories in alcohol. I guess I have to just drink it really fast, but the intake will be at least 1000 calories anyway, and I know I have to eat something too. Fuck, I don't know what to do! I wish I didn't like the feeling of beeing drunk.
Haha, and it made me happy to see that one on the thin girls at school that I don't like have gained weight this summer. I know it sounds evil, but it made me feel better.
Aw, I've missed you all!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Luckily I didn't have any dinner, so my calorie intake for today was about 530.
I 've been walking (quite fast) for nearly 2 hours today, and I jogged for about 15minutes. Wow, I thought the day had been really bad, but when I look at it now, it doesn't seem that bad after all. I'm really relieved!
My mom asked me if I eat enough, maybe she has seen that I eat less than I used to. I'll have to make it look like I eat more than I actually do, or she will probably start to watch me extra carefully, and I don't want that to happen!
So TokyoBambi is new to this place (welcome!), and I thought it would be nice to introduce her, just like xthinforever did to me.
She's 5'3 and 46kg and she's really beautiful, and sounds like a really nice girl :) She has only got one follower (me) so she would probably like to have some more followers.
Thank you so much for your support :) I'll write more tonight.
Mackerel is a fish, btw ;)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I've eaten 210 calories this far today, and we'll have chicken, rice and vegetables for dinner, so I think I can keep it pretty low today. I hope so.
Btw: Do you have mackerel in tomato sauce where you live? It's one of my favorite spreads. I think it's kind of a "scandinavia phenomenon" though. It is at least very popular over here. I I had to have some this morning, because I couldn't stop thinking about it last night x]
I will not be able to post or comment anythig uintul tomorrow, I'll miss you. Take care <3
Monday, August 10, 2009
Ok, so I'm just answering everyone here instead of writing to every one of you.
Ana's Girl: Thanks! Aw, that sucks, and it will probably seem a bit suspicious if you ask her about buying one all the time.
Le faim: Thanks, but I'm seriously not that thin...
heather[hunger]: I would guess so. I mean, it's America, you have so many other things, so I would believe you have crispbreads too. I eat those form Wasa and Ryvita. Well, it's actually kind of pretty here, we have all these fjords and mountains, but I don't like the weather. And it's boring here. I live in the biggest city, but we're still only about 579 000 inhabitants. But the tap water tastes good! Haha, I don't really like the bottled water.
Stick Thin: Yeah, and it was all just so confusing. The other blog was written in Norwegian, so "sadly" I didn't experience any of that, but I already feel as home here. Thank you :)
pokerface: You're welcome :) Oh, thanks. I hope it will continue to improve as I write more. Yeah, I think she starts to get a little suspicious, so I will just pretend I eat more. It's very annoying, though. Thanks!
Aspartame Freak: Oh, that's nice! :)
I've eaten about 480 calories today. I'm so glad my family normally eat quite healthy dinners. It makes the job a lot easier for me. We ate salmon and salad (green salad, tomato, paprika, cucumber and corn) today, so took a piece of salmon and just filled up the rest of the plate with salad, so that it would look like I ate a lot.
I've eaten two crispbreads (30 calories each), and that means I've eaten about 80 calories for breakfast. Crispbread is soo much better than regular bread. Those I eat are pretty thin, but thery're only 30-35 calories each. They taste good, and they are pretty healthy too.
I'm probably seeing my best friend some time this week, and I'm really looking forward to it. The only problem is that she doesn't eat that healty, and when I'm sleeping over at her house we always end up eating a lot of snacks. And still she looks great.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I'm not going to eat anything more today, maby I will have a cup of tea, but that's only 1 calorie anyway.
Ok, so I had another blog at livejournal, but livejournal isn't working right now, and I din't like livejournal anyway.
So, I'm a 17 years old girl from Norway. I would really like to become skinny, so I'm doing my best.
1,61 m (5'3)
CW: 46kg (101.4)
HW: 52kg (112.4)
GW: 40kg (88)
Aw, and I wish my scale showed weight in pounds, not kg. It isn't even digital, and my mom won't buy a new one, because "We don't use it that much anyway"...
And I'll do my best, but I know that my english isn't perfect :( Feel free to correct my mistakes.