I was invited to a party last night, but I didn't go. I didn't want the calories from alcohol. I invited some friends over to my place instead, and we watched movies and played Wii. I ate some chocolate, but my calorie intake would have been a lot worse if I went to that party! I'm still at 44kg, but I'm OK with that. I thought I had gained so I panicked a little.
Four years ago I could eat whatever I wanted without feeling bad about it. I don't know how I did it. I didn't like my body, but I didn't hate it as much as I do now. During 10th grade (which is the last yeas of compulsory school in Norway, and the third and last at middle school) I started to eat less at school, but I still ate about two slices of bread and a fruit for lunch.
I've gradually eaten less these past years, but I've had periods where I eat normal. I didn't even care to count calories until the end of my 11th year at school (first year at high school), but then I allowed myself to eat 2000 calories at the weekends, and about 1800 the rest of the week. I didn't care to count every day, but I made sure that I didn't eat too unhealthy. It wasn't until about a year ago that I really started to care about my calorie intake. I didn't really have any restrictions, but I tried not to eat more that 1300 calories. I failed every weekend, but I got better. I just couldn't stand being fat any more.
And here I am, still fat, but not giving up. My day is totally ruined if I eat 700 calories or more. I can start to cry when I look at myself in the mirror, but I feel stronger than a lot of my friends.
Am I thinner now than four years ago? Yes, my bones are more visible, but I think I've got bigger hips. I'm also 3-4 cm taller.
So I would say that my ED has sneaked into my life. It wasn't a sudden change, but one day I realised that my relationship with my body and food isn't what most people would call "normal". And it will probably never be. I'm fine with that most of the time. I don't hate my ED, I like it. But there are times when I wish I was "normal", because it is rather exhausting from time to time. Especially around Christmas. I'm not looking forward to Christmas and all the fatty food. I can't even escape to friends, because I have to spend some "quality time" with my family. Not every day, of course, but there are always several family dinners.
I don't know why I wrote this, I guess I just wanted to share my life story.
Stay strong <3