I din't die, I was just depressed...

I know I should have blogged, but I couldn't. I needed a break. I was hard enought to cope with my life, and it still is, but I missed this so much. I missed you all, and I'm so sorry I haven't read your blogs in a while.

I was just too depressed to be much online. I want to die. Sometimes I want to kill myself, but I won't do it, I cannot do it. I don't want to ruin the life of the rest of my family.
School is killing me too. It's way too much to do, and I'm stressed all the time. I even started crying just because it is raining, and I don't want to walk to school in the rain tomorrow. I'm so tired of all this.
I haven't even written down everything I've eaten for over a week. I will start again tomorrow, though.

I'm still 44 kg (97 lbs). I'm still fat and ugly. It's not too hard to keep my intake at about 500 calories right now. So even though I've been depressed lately, I haven't binged, and I haven't eaten awful lot of calories.

Stay strong <3

Snow

It's snowing outside. Most of it melts, but there's a thin layer of snow on the grass and the roofs. I'm not very found of snow, but it's a bit cosy to sit here and watch it. I'm not at school today. I just didn't feel like going to school. I'm going to exercise instead (walk for at least an hour and do some strength training).

I'm going to celebrate my birthday next weekend (with family), and my mum is going to bake a chocolate cake and we're also going to have a marzipan cake. And probably some other unhealthy things such as ice cream, chocolate and chips. Why?

I'm going to celebrate my birthday at least three times (different parts of family, and with friends) so I'm probably going to eat a lot af cake. I wish I was strong enough to resist, but I have to eat some anyway because it's my birthday.

My life

I was invited to a party last night, but I didn't go. I didn't want the calories from alcohol. I invited some friends over to my place instead, and we watched movies and played Wii. I ate some chocolate, but my calorie intake would have been a lot worse if I went to that party! I'm still at 44kg, but I'm OK with that. I thought I had gained so I panicked a little.

Four years ago I could eat whatever I wanted without feeling bad about it. I don't know how I did it. I didn't like my body, but I didn't hate it as much as I do now. During 10th grade (which is the last yeas of compulsory school in Norway, and the third and last at middle school) I started to eat less at school, but I still ate about two slices of bread and a fruit for lunch.

I've gradually eaten less these past years, but I've had periods where I eat normal. I didn't even care to count calories until the end of my 11th year at school (first year at high school), but then I allowed myself to eat 2000 calories at the weekends, and about 1800 the rest of the week. I didn't care to count every day, but I made sure that I didn't eat too unhealthy. It wasn't until about a year ago that I really started to care about my calorie intake. I didn't really have any restrictions, but I tried not to eat more that 1300 calories. I failed every weekend, but I got better. I just couldn't stand being fat any more.

And here I am, still fat, but not giving up. My day is totally ruined if I eat 700 calories or more. I can start to cry when I look at myself in the mirror, but I feel stronger than a lot of my friends.
Am I thinner now than four years ago? Yes, my bones are more visible, but I think I've got bigger hips. I'm also 3-4 cm taller.

So I would say that my ED has sneaked into my life. It wasn't a sudden change, but one day I realised that my relationship with my body and food isn't what most people would call "normal". And it will probably never be. I'm fine with that most of the time. I don't hate my ED, I like it. But there are times when I wish I was "normal", because it is rather exhausting from time to time. Especially around Christmas. I'm not looking forward to Christmas and all the fatty food. I can't even escape to friends, because I have to spend some "quality time" with my family. Not every day, of course, but there are always several family dinners.

I don't know why I wrote this, I guess I just wanted to share my life story.

Stay strong <3