I want to blog again!

Yes, this time I really want to come back :) I need it. I need to keep my motivation up.

Thinks haven't changed a lot here. I'm still 44 kg / 97 lbs (I don't know how, but I didn't put on weight during the holiday). My mom is constantly telleing me that I eat too little, so I have to find new ways to trick her. My dad is noticing that I eat little too. Blah.
How are you doing? I haven't been able to read all your updates :(

I should seriously consider to stop drinking at parties. I always drink too much and end up vomiting. I cannot remember anything that happened after 00.00 at new year's eve, but the next day I woke up at my friend's house. I always talk too much when I'm drunk too. At new year's eve I started to talk about size and weight. I really shouldn't talk about such things when my friends are there.

I don't think I will be able to blog every day, because I really want to improve my results at school since this is my last semester (ever). I don't know what to do next year. I'm thinking of taking a year off, and just work. I wish I knew what I want to be "when I grow up". Well I know what I want to become, a photographer, but it's not realistic.

I've missed you, lovelies

@ Cripsy Christine: Jeg vet ikke om du leser dette, men jeg greier ikke å kommentere på bloggen din :/ Håper ikke du har gitt opp bloggingen :)

I din't die, I was just depressed...

I know I should have blogged, but I couldn't. I needed a break. I was hard enought to cope with my life, and it still is, but I missed this so much. I missed you all, and I'm so sorry I haven't read your blogs in a while.

I was just too depressed to be much online. I want to die. Sometimes I want to kill myself, but I won't do it, I cannot do it. I don't want to ruin the life of the rest of my family.
School is killing me too. It's way too much to do, and I'm stressed all the time. I even started crying just because it is raining, and I don't want to walk to school in the rain tomorrow. I'm so tired of all this.
I haven't even written down everything I've eaten for over a week. I will start again tomorrow, though.

I'm still 44 kg (97 lbs). I'm still fat and ugly. It's not too hard to keep my intake at about 500 calories right now. So even though I've been depressed lately, I haven't binged, and I haven't eaten awful lot of calories.

Stay strong <3

Snow

It's snowing outside. Most of it melts, but there's a thin layer of snow on the grass and the roofs. I'm not very found of snow, but it's a bit cosy to sit here and watch it. I'm not at school today. I just didn't feel like going to school. I'm going to exercise instead (walk for at least an hour and do some strength training).

I'm going to celebrate my birthday next weekend (with family), and my mum is going to bake a chocolate cake and we're also going to have a marzipan cake. And probably some other unhealthy things such as ice cream, chocolate and chips. Why?

I'm going to celebrate my birthday at least three times (different parts of family, and with friends) so I'm probably going to eat a lot af cake. I wish I was strong enough to resist, but I have to eat some anyway because it's my birthday.

My life

I was invited to a party last night, but I didn't go. I didn't want the calories from alcohol. I invited some friends over to my place instead, and we watched movies and played Wii. I ate some chocolate, but my calorie intake would have been a lot worse if I went to that party! I'm still at 44kg, but I'm OK with that. I thought I had gained so I panicked a little.

Four years ago I could eat whatever I wanted without feeling bad about it. I don't know how I did it. I didn't like my body, but I didn't hate it as much as I do now. During 10th grade (which is the last yeas of compulsory school in Norway, and the third and last at middle school) I started to eat less at school, but I still ate about two slices of bread and a fruit for lunch.

I've gradually eaten less these past years, but I've had periods where I eat normal. I didn't even care to count calories until the end of my 11th year at school (first year at high school), but then I allowed myself to eat 2000 calories at the weekends, and about 1800 the rest of the week. I didn't care to count every day, but I made sure that I didn't eat too unhealthy. It wasn't until about a year ago that I really started to care about my calorie intake. I didn't really have any restrictions, but I tried not to eat more that 1300 calories. I failed every weekend, but I got better. I just couldn't stand being fat any more.

And here I am, still fat, but not giving up. My day is totally ruined if I eat 700 calories or more. I can start to cry when I look at myself in the mirror, but I feel stronger than a lot of my friends.
Am I thinner now than four years ago? Yes, my bones are more visible, but I think I've got bigger hips. I'm also 3-4 cm taller.

So I would say that my ED has sneaked into my life. It wasn't a sudden change, but one day I realised that my relationship with my body and food isn't what most people would call "normal". And it will probably never be. I'm fine with that most of the time. I don't hate my ED, I like it. But there are times when I wish I was "normal", because it is rather exhausting from time to time. Especially around Christmas. I'm not looking forward to Christmas and all the fatty food. I can't even escape to friends, because I have to spend some "quality time" with my family. Not every day, of course, but there are always several family dinners.

I don't know why I wrote this, I guess I just wanted to share my life story.

Stay strong <3

Sick

I've been sick the last two days. My head hurts, I've had fever (I'm still warm), and I've had absolutely no energy. My throat hurts a little now. I don't think it's the swine flu, because I haven't been that bad, but it's annoying.I missed two days of school, but that's ok.

The Muse concert was fantastic!

I ate way to much yesterday. I don't even know how many calories, but I think it was about 900. Crap. Well, this day has been a lot better. I ate a small crisp bread for breakfast, and two cherry tomatoes. I had oatmeal porridge for lunch, and a clementine between lunch and dinner. I ate a chicken and some vegetables for dinner. That's about 450 calories.

I broke a nail two hours ago :( I kind of like my nails, and they are usually one of the very few parts of myself that I don't hate.
Look:


It looks horrible, and it's going to take weeks for it to grow out again. It is so weird to touch things now, because my fingertip (parts of it at least) is usually protected by my nail. My finger looks short and fat now. I didn't remove my old nail polish, so that's why my nail has two colours in the picture.

Very boring update

My life is boring. It's just the same every day. I have a ton of homework right now, but I'm not motivated to work.

A friend of mine told me I'm bony. I'm not, but it was nice of her to tell me so.

My friends are still talking about my anorexic friend. I have to eat at school, or they will suspect that I'm anorexic too.

I've bought a nice big and warm jacket so that I won't freeze this winter. I've bought warm shoes too.

I'm looking forward to the Muse concert this Sunday!

I weighted about 44 kg (97 lbs) this morning, but I will probably gain some weight again. I wish it was easier to lose, I've been stuck at 45 (99.2) for a long time. Whenever I lose some, I always gain it back the next days.

I want to post some pictures of myself, but I'm afraid that somebody will find them (yeah, not very likely, I know).

I hate the fat on my hips and my tummy.

I'm sorry that this post is boring, but I didn't know what to write.

Stay strong <3

Am I good or bad?

Definitely bad at restricting. I ate 45g of KitKat. So the total intake of calories today is about 780. Yuck. I cannot have more than 500 tomorrow.
And I don't understand how I can be this fat, even though I weigh 45kg. I know people who weigh much more than me, but they are still much thinner. My BMI (17.4) puts me in the category "underweight", but hello, I'm nothing near thin.

I love this song, but at the same time it makes me depressed. But it's still beautiful.


I'm a bit depressed now, so I think I should go to bed. I cannot eat anything more, so my bed is the only safe place. Maybe I could get some sleep tonight, I haven't slept much the last week, and I'm soo tired right now. I have a feeling that I would start to cry as soon as I go to bed, though. Aw, but I probably feel a lot better tomorrow :)